Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
