he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
