the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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