Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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