you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
false alarm, still single
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
