i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize