Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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