need another drink. this is the easiest way
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
