Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
