My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
