Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize