I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
