does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
