I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
