my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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