just tell him i said nine months
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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