you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
