I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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