That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
