im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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