i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
