So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
