Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
