He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
