Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
