He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize