no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
