I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize