Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
