Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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