kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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