What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
