i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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Do I have a choice?
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What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize