You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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