After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
