tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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