you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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