Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
