Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
