so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
