my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
