I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Randomize
