I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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