My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
