I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
