You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
