just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
