he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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