Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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