so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize