It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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