Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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