You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
