i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
