Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
