I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i came on her dog
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
