I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
