I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize