dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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