someone owes me an orgasm
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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