It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
